Matt Rants
by Melanie Swirls
Summary: Being around Mello most have rubbed off on him. A series of Matt's rantings...  And you thought he was the nice one of the two. Rated for "friendly" character bashing, Friendly Fan bashing. Friendly Fanfic bashing, slight teenage themes and cussing. R
1. First Rant: Fangirls

**Summary: Being around Mello might have rubbed off on him, but we all know Matt has a lot to complain about. And you thought Matt was supozed to be the nice one. **

**Matt Rants**

**Today's Rant: Fangirls**

Hello people who are most likely girls, and even more so likely to be apart of my bigger-than-Mello's Fanclub, who are really classified as Fangirls, I would like to put this mesage out here, once in for all, so that there is no more confusion since this is actually pissing me off.

I hate you. A lot.

Now for those of you who haven't gone into hysteria because it's so horrible that your "love of your life" hates you, I hate you a little less.

Most of you are probably asking why I hate you so, and I don't mind telling you. It's not a long story nor is it complicated, actually, it's rather damn simple so listen up.

First of all, I hate you because, every single fucking time I go to the mall with Mello to buy chocolate or videogames, you attack me with hugs and kisses, tell me how awesome I am, strip me and attempt to steal my clothing, ball your eyes out, ask me to marry you, try to take of my goggles, ask me what my real hair colour is and never stop asking how big Mello's dick is.

To start off, can I just ask _why _in the name in all that is good and Zelda you would think I love you? I don't even know you! I was in the anime of a total of like, four minutes and you guys act like you guys know everything about me, however that's impossible since I doubt you would like me if I looked like _Imagay Lightbulb_. Yeah. Something to think about.

Let's face it girls, I _don't_- I repeat don't- know what size Mello's dick is, and i don't even want to know! If i did end up looking for some reason, I would probably end up seeing that Mello is a girl, and not actually a - dismiss what I just said, Mello's awesomeness is damn intimidating and I only spread lies about him because I'm not confident in myself, and when I lie and make fun of him I'm only trying to boost my own selfesteem, also, I know for a fact that Mello has a bigger penis than me, since mine is only an inch or two long when erected - Damn Mello.

And I know I didn't put this in the list of things they usually do, but I need to ask you guys since I tried asking Mello, and he didn't know either; what in the name of Pikachu is Yaoi? And why would I have it with Mello? How do you even prounounce it? Like is it Yo-ai or Ya-oi or like Ya-ee, because i have heard all three variations, and I'm so damn confused.

Getting back on the topic of why I hate you, why do you people find it neccesary to strip me? I've gotten in huge shit for it when you strip me at the mall and then I have no clothing and then I have to go to public jail for a day or two for public nudity. It's even worst when Mello comes to bail me out and then they put him in the cell beside me for being a prostitute. Yeah, not really what I would call a fun time.

Oh right, before I forget, stop pulling out laptops out of nowhere and forcing me to read these really random completely stupid stories that you have on some site called fanfiction. Not only do you write me completely out of character, the plot is always the same. I somehow fall in love with a girl I just met, and then we live happily ever after and have lots of kids and somehow Mello is no lounger in the picture. Yeah. Out of curiosity, why the hell would that ever happen? Just wondering you know.

Anyways, since I started writting this, Mello's been bugging me to get off the computer, so that he can deal with his stupid mafia type business and masturbate to gay porn, so yeah.

Remember, I still hate you.

**Authors Note: This is a new fic I decided to start. I hope you guys like it 8D it was really fun to write. **

**Peace in!**

**Please review!**

**Question Of The Day: Do you play any instruments? if so, how long did it take you to get good?**


	2. Second Rant: Mello's Chocolate Addiction

**Summary: Being around Mello might have rubbed off on him, but we all know Matt has a lot to complain about. And you thought Matt was supozed to be the nice one. **

**Matt Rants**

**Today's Rant: Mello's Chocolate**

I know all you fangirls and fanboys find it sooo cute how Mello eats obsessive amounts of chocolate, but I have to tell you, it's not fucking adorable!

He eats like, six zillion a day, and works out obsessively so he doesnt gain any weight, which is why the guy isn't buff. Not only that, but the guy considers becoming bullimic because it takes less effort than working out. That's NOT healthy!

Despite what Mello thinks, this isn't just me being jealous of a chocolate bar, still though you try feeling second best to a fucking chocolate bar! It's completely ridiculous!

To make matters (ohsweetZelda. Matters. Matt-ers. Thats what I should call my wife/girlfriend/sister/daughter/fangirls,) worst, I'm the one that has to buy his chocolate, therefor making his addiction worst. Not only do I have to pay for it with my money, I have to feel the guilt and misery that is his growing obesidy! Tell me ladies, would you still love him if he weighed, say 400 pounds? Didn't think so.

**Authors Note: So i've decided all the chapters are going to be a little bit lounger than this one and just be Matt complaining about stuff lol 8D I hope that sounds alright 8D Anyways I now have a facebook group now! It's basically going to have like, parts of fanfics i didnt want to put on fanfic, short stories non fanfiction related and random questions (instead of question of the day) and yeah. it'll be kool 8D So join and support 8D **

**Link (remove spaces 8D) : **www .facebook. com /# ! / pages / Melanie-Swirls / 142009555859454

**Peace in!**

**Please review!**

**Question Of The Day: Do you play any instruments? if so, how long did it take you to get good?**


	3. Third Rant: Girlfriends

**Summary: Being around Mello might have rubbed off on him, but we all know Matt has a lot to complain about. And you thought Matt was supozed to be the nice one. **

**Matt Rants**

**Today's Rant: Girlfriends**

Dear fan girls reading,

Sorry I didn't rant sooner. I haven't been able to come up with complete, coherent sentences for the last couple of days due to Mello getting a girlfriend.

You're allowed to reread that last bit over if you are ensure of what I just said. If you don't want to reread it, fine. I'll rewrite it; Mello got a girlfriend.

Yeah.

I'm still speechless that he got a girlfriend before I did! Is she a lesbian mistaking him for a chick or what? Anyways, Mello's super-hot-probably-a-lesbian-girlfriend is not what I'm here to rant about today. It's kind of related to the topic but it doesn't matter. ANYWAYS, before I lose track of my train of though _again_, on to my rant!

Why is it that girls always go for the bad ass, then complain and cry and mope when their bad ass boyfriend cheats on them, treats them like dirt or dumps them? It's a hellofalot confusing and I for one, find it retarded! No offense intended towards retarded people. I mean, do you really just _want _drama? Mello's in a fucking mafia! Getting wrapped up with his affairs is always a stupid idea, and very few people get untaggled with the mafia alive! I just find it stupid that you would pick the bad asses over decent people like say, me, for example!

Another good example of this is ImAGay Lightbulb! He pretends to be the perfect, decent guy, and he gets all the girls, but beneath his OCD exterior is a guy with a god complex, multiple personalities, sadistic fuck bag, who cares more about his shiny hair then he ever will about any girl! And despite this, he always has flocks of girls following him around! What is wrong with you people?

Also, what's the point in you guys fangirling if you aren't going to be mature enough to actually ask one of us out? I know for a fact that L is lonely enough to take anybody at this point in time! Man up, would ya?

Actually, disregard that last statement and don't man up. Most of you are girls and I'd perfer to keep it that way. Peace.

**Authors Note: Sorry for the epic pause! I'm sick. Lol anyways I hope you guys are all going great! Anyways I wrote the first half a week or two ago on my iPod and never got around to uploading it. Hope you liked it! 8D**

**Like My Facebook group, You evil demon you.**

**Peace in!**

**Please review!**

**Question Of The Day: What is your absolute favorite book?**


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